S5E5 - PhD Reflections & Relationships

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Timestamps​

• 00:00 - Introduction
• 03:55 - Segment 1: PhD Reflections
• 19:01 - Segment 2: PhD Relationships

Description
As a memoir of probably the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do (so far) in my life, I reflect on why I decided to do a PhD when science wasn’t a genuine interest of mine in early life, and what relationships I fostered during the PhD that made the journey worthwhile  Check out the references and transcript here: https://www.kjbmercurio.com/episode45.

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Transcript

Introduction

SPEAKER_01 0:00

To my hopefully still existing listeners among family and friends, near and far, old and new, this is Kevin Mercurio on the mic, and welcome to the long-awaited 45th episode of the Meta forgins podcast. To show support, if you find yourself enjoying wordy psychom content, please take a few seconds to rate and subscribe to the podcast on Apple or Spotify or whatever platform you're listening to this on, as it truly does help independent podcasts, especially ones that drop inconsistent episodes, reach new people through essentially minimal effort. You can always leave a lengthy review as well, and follow at Metaforagens on Instagram, that's at Metaforgins, where I'll be posting all updates as well as on my personal website, kjbmercurio.com slash metaforgens. Still, like every season, I will hold a prize draw on my 50th episode for a one of a kind item, but mainly something I can afford on my own. Have a listen in later episodes for more information about this once-in-a-lifetime priceless metaforagins, heirloom, whatever it happens to be. Big news, like Bigly News, there is now a Metaforagens LinkedIn page. Yay! Check it out and give it a follow if you like passionate Scicom initiatives. Okay, it is safe to say that I dropped the ball on this project. My last episode was all the way back in 2023, a simpler time, though a version of Kevin that seems so distant in the past that it might as well have been another person. I dedicated my entire being to the final year of the PhD program, ending all extracurriculars or hobbies, or really any healthy decisions to focus on experimentation, data analysis, and writing. The amount of times I said I would allot time to things outside of work has not escaped my still naive brain. It was a grueling crawl to the finish line, filled with emotional despair in a professional and technical sense, along with life-changing moments locally and abroad as well. I'm happy to report that the PhD thesis and defense has been successfully passed, and I have officially graduated from the PhD program at Trinity College Dublin. Woohoo! So for this episode, I want to ponder about the PhD and discuss specific moments throughout the four and a half years that I would like to immortalize in detail to the best of my ability. This will encompass moments from deciding to move to Ireland, to professional realizations working well into the night, to the day I passed my PhD defense, or Viva as they say here. I believe this exercise will not only be one of entertainment for myself and those listening, but also provide a glimpse into the psyche of a relatively private individual who, even now, loves science but does not yet know where they fit in the progression of it. Perhaps to anyone listening who has similar lamentations regarding their career path in science or even other fields, that this could initiate an inner dialogue that investigates one's own place in the world, self-designated rather than externally commanded. Indeed, in this return to Metaforgens, join me in this weird roller coaster of an episode on my reflections of completing a PhD.

Segment 1: PhD Reflections

SPEAKER_01 4:05

In Lucerne, the Chapel Bridge, or Capelbook, as locals had named it, is completely destroyed by fire. American International Airways Flight 808 crashes at the Guantanamo Bay Naval Base in Cuba. Pearl Jam performs in Toronto's CNE Stadium with a surprising appearance by Neil Young and John Popper. Indecent proposals starring Woody Harrelson and Demi Moore is dominating the box office. With all the chaos during this premillennium period, the dawn of a new age began. It was the year 1993, and a baby named Kevin was born. Ha, just joking. I won't go that far. Although wouldn't it be great to have your future destined to be set by futuristic technologies like Aldous Huxley's Brave New World? Then we wouldn't have to endure the tediousness of experimentation, of trial and error, the sequence of events composing life placing us before one forked road after another, or rather, one battle after another, our own version of David vs. Goliath, or for modern folks, Bob Ferguson vs. Colonel Stephen J. Lockjaw. But I have, to some extent, reflected on the moment in my early life when I realized that science was indeed the path of least resistance. That's honestly the best way I could describe it. Science in all its amazing awe and wonder was not a topic of genuine interest to me for the majority of my childhood. You hear scholars, professors, Nobel Prize winners speak about their love of science from a young age, playing with a chemistry set, collecting butterflies in their backyard, having telescopes to look at at the starry night. And yes, although I did have a telescope in my early years, it was not the concept of astronomy or light refraction or material science that made me excited, but rather it was the aesthetic, the imaginative ego of what I could accomplish with this tool if one of my friends saw that I owned one. It was just cool. Yes, on this fork road presented to me, I chose not the road less traveled by, as Robert Frost prophesized, but the one which wouldn't wear down my shoes. It was grade 12 science class at St. Paul Catholic High School. My science teacher, Mr. Bondi, explained the final assignment to our class of twenty. Take all the knowledge you obtained during the organic chemistry portion of this year's curriculum and create a music video. In this assignment you can create your own music or do a cover of an already established song. You can use any materials and cover any concept about that field. Now go have fun. I'm sorry, what? What is this sandbox style assignment that you're dropping me into? A music video? Like those orchestrated performances I watch on MTV? I can't sing. I can't produce rhythmic beats. And I was barely paying attention to your lectures during the organic chemistry section. Carbon bonding to other elements, right? Ah, what's so important about carbon anyway? Why do people care? Thoughts like these raced through my head, but it was solidified that this was the final science project of the year. In fact, the final science project of my high school experience. And well, I just started. I started to learn about organic chemistry on my own. Teaming up with a friend, we worked together for many, many, many nights and produced a cover for Any Way You Wanted by Journey, which we called Elements Need to Bond. We learned about different types of chemical bonds like ionic and covalent bonding. We studied carbon's different orbitals of sigma and pi, orbital hybridization, promotion energy for electron movement, formal charges for calculating stable configurations. We researched Vesper theory for 3D spatial geometry, Vanderwaal's forces describing states of matter, even molecular crystals which are configurations of carbon making incredible things like diamonds in your jewelry and graphite in your pencils. We combined this with sick graphics, animated atomic gifs. Gifs or GIFs, I don't know. And our friends' thumbs upping are descriptions of bonding theory and a hilarious montage of candid photos. Although you can't see the video in question, here's just a sample of the audio. I know, I know, but note that this was the early 2010s. Yes, we did use autotune despite what Jay-Z thought about its mortality at the time. But this is what astonished me. We were tricked, nay, encouraged even, to learn the material in our own way and teach it back to our peers in this unique format of education. And it was actually interesting, not because we needed to learn that specific topic for a grade on a quiz. We were learning not only the concepts but also the bright minds behind those ideas, Gilbert Lewis, Linus Pauling, Johannes Diedrich van der Vals. These were actual people smart enough to hypothesize and test these theories in methodical ways. Science became the history class I've always wanted, explaining the complexity of our universe one genius at a time. It wasn't until this project in my final year of high school that I realized this teacher, this hypnotizing educator, had been tricking us to learn the curriculum in our own way throughout our entire high school experience. Further reflection on previous years' science classes made me remember the other final projects he assigned us, like creating our own documentary about a topic in our grade 11 biology class, and creating a commercial about a fake product we designed using our knowledge of chemical properties in grade 10 general science. For those curious, I did a documentary on neurogenesis using scenes from 28 days later, probably some copyright issues there, and designed a hydrogen peroxide infused antiperspirant that, according to my 16-year-old brain back in the day, would deodorize and neutralize that annoying BO, keeping you smelling fresh. And yes, I understand the coincidence of a chemistry teacher named Mr. Bondi. Shoutouts to that man for changing my perspective of science education. This experience underscores the importance of one of, and if not the most important pillar I have to science communication, which is that the main goal is never to teach someone something, it is to encourage them to teach themselves. In the majority of scenarios that encompass the broadness of science communication, which excludes any special case in which the presenter is being tested or judged for their content, the educators should primarily make their audience interested in the topic. Teachers can get around this through the guise of test taking. However, only students who have developed a keen sense of memorization will flourish, and even then that's questionable. Half the stuff students are expected to memorize and regurgitate onto fill-in-the-blank style questions are forgotten within a month's time. Sadly, this is the reality of my early education and of education generally up until post-secondary schooling. From here, trudging through the path of least resistance, I registered for an undergraduate degree in biochemistry, participating in science-related initiatives at the University of Ottawa, followed by a master's degree in again biochemistry at the same university. I won't go too much into detail about this, as it opens some more questions about the reasoning for these specific choices, all spirited by life circumstances at the time. So let's fast forward to Kevin in early 2020, post-master's defense, pre-Serious Pandemic. As mentioned, I had recently finished my Master's Defense and was just proud that I had made it so far into a science project and passed basically a Q ⁇ A about what I did and why I did it. Now at the time, research was all I knew. I had been dedicated to grinding out this project that changed multiple times over the course of the two and a half years. And with the recent events of a type of infection slowly taking over the world, like a less brutal, less Hollywood version of The Last of Us, I again decided to take the path of least resistance and search for a PhD. But even searching for one wasn't easy. At the time, I was dating someone who eventually wanted to return to their home country in Europe. Europe has many upsides for those wishing to pursue a PhD there. For starters, at least being in a PhD program has the benefit of not being able to get fired. I mean, unless you fail your confirmation exam, pretty much guaranteeing a position for at least four years. It also has the benefit of getting some money while working towards obtaining a degree that makes you somewhat more competitive than other candidates once you are out there on the job market. Field dependent, of course. It sounds crazy, I know, that searching for a PhD would be the path of least resistance. And I want to emphasize that I didn't say obtain a PhD, I said search for one. In the end, I had broken up with that partner, now ex-partner. However, I was so dedicated to moving abroad that it didn't stop me from continuing to pursue PhD programs in Europe. Perhaps time far away from home would allow me to grow into a better partner in the future, and also broaden my search and looking for one outside the country I've called home for 27 years at that stage. It took 21 applications to PhD programs all over Europe, from Germany to Switzerland to Denmark to the Netherlands to Sweden to Finland, resulting in 10 interviews and one final acceptance in Trinity College Dublin in Ireland. I was actually accepted into two programs, oh look at me, so desired, and again ultimately chose the path of least resistance with Ireland, being an English-speaking country, and weather conditions that were bearable all throughout the year. Constant moldy interiors aside, as I didn't realize that would be a problem yet. Just a little bit about the PhD searching process. These weren't exactly programs. That was a bit of a fib. The majority of the time I was reaching out to professors that one were actively recruiting PhD students, and two, were doing anything remotely similar to work I did during my masters. I joined LinkedIn groups and scoured Reddit forums. I checked known university departments and clicked on faculty biography pages. I signed up for PhD newsletters that sent out alerts every week for PhD positions. Where I found the eventual posting for the Turnby College PhD position was on none of these, as in the end, it was from a Twitter posting by my PhD supervisor. All she asked for was a CV and a 250-word statement about why you were interested in joining her lab. Clear, brief, and a shot on the ever-expansive Dartboard of Applications, and it worked. We discussed the project over Microsoft Teams, about microNAS and their impact on the gut epithelial barrier, and how my specific skill set could benefit the role of understanding this unique type of regulation. Before final acceptance, I had the opportunity to virtually meet the current lab members to discuss what they thought of the group culture, workplace environment, and the university as a whole. These were and still are, fantastic people that I am happy to call my first friends I made abroad, and hope to continue to stay in contact with them now that the PhD has ended. It was a great match. I just can't say anything more than how patience was the one thing I took from that whole ordeal. And that was the start of the PhD adventure. The continuity of research due to the instability caused by the pandemic, the desire to travel to Europe initially due to romance but became an individual desire to develop life skills and experience something new, to what seemed like endless interviews leading from one dead end to the next, and finally stumbling upon a PhD posting on Twitter that was not only fully funded for four years, but included a research team vibrant in their attitude to accomplish great science and support one another. So I packed my bags and my cat, and we headed overseas to Ireland. Life at the beginning of the PhD was ecstatic, magical even. Regardless of the frustrations of moving internationally, living in an Airbnb for a whole month, the ghostly emptiness of a city under COVID lockdown, seeing a drunk man piss right outside my front door, the PhD work was so illuminating and novel. I wanted to learn everything, do something, say anything that made me inch a bit closer to establishing some type of collegiate relationship to people in my department. What experiment are you doing? Can I assist with labeling reagents? How can I participate in the university's student life? Why is there a professor walking around in sandals chugging a can of coke? He was an emeritus professor, still active in lecturing undergraduates at the time. Everything was just so new, so exciting, so full of life, and it all ended happily ever after. Okay, imagine if it ended there. What a fairy tale ending that would have been. No, just just no. I mean there's no denying that there were many hardships faced during the PhD due to experiments failing and theories needing to be adjusted. I've always known that to be the manifestation of the scientific method since the days of my undergraduate final year project, and so I had thankfully faced this revelation quite early on. No. I think for the purposes of this podcast format, I think it would be more interesting to talk about the broader contexts of doing a PhD, especially abroad. I've categorized these thoughts around three central themes, which I will now go into heavy detail, each involving specific relationships. The first is workplace relationships. This includes the bonding between peers in your research group and other researchers in the department or the university as a whole. This also includes the mentorship of your supervisor and thesis committee. The second is non-work-related relationships you attempt to make, whether that is through dating or friendly encounters in societies and clubs. And lastly, the third is the relationship you have with yourself, how you choose to or choose not to, take care of yourself, and what I did throughout certain moments of the PhD that changed my life for the better. Let's get into the nitty-gritty.

Segment 2: PhD Relationships

SPEAKER_01 19:15

Often your first in-person encounter is not with your professor, who may be busy doing a million other things on their list of responsibilities, or even other students, but with administrative officers preparing you for your academic journey. Now these are the people who are the definition of behind the scenes. They might be the ones who set up your key card for building access, put you on the university system payroll, provide you with personal protective equipment like lab coats and safety goggles, or assign you an office space. They're the secret agents that keep the department running smoothly. I'm giving them a special shout out because often their work gets ignored, not by malice, but because the department is indeed running smoothly, therefore their work is being accomplished without much recognition until something is not performed up to the standard, deviating from homeostasis. They are, in my view, the maintainers. Don't forget these VIPs, chat with them, befriend them, and keep up with them during your weekly routines during the project. Technical staff are also personnel that need a special mention here. Within my department, one that is strictly part of the biological sciences, these researchers are the ones I go to for expertise. Need a reagent that you've never heard of? Don't worry, staff has it stored on the second shelf in the third cabinet up the first floor corner lab. Need to work a machine to do a step in your lab's SOP? Don't worry, staff has been using that machine in student courses for years, and the on-switch is on the back 12 centimeters from the right. They're the gurus, the ones who know the solution to the problem, any problem, and have a surprisingly calm perspective on the situation, no matter how dire you think it is. These people should be on your phone's speed dial list and also gift giving lists at the end of the PhD. I'm going to group postdoctoral researchers and professors, excluding your direct supervisor, together, as the only difference between these two groups is time, annual salary, and a bit of luck. Now these people have been through the gauntlet of PhD milestones already in their lives, and yet they've decided to remain in the land of academia and continue the fight for knowledge. That means that the years obtaining the PhD can't be all that bad. Right? Right? Insert Anakin and Padme Meme. During my PhD, I was lucky enough to work with three of the four postdocs doing research in my department. Boy, did I bother them about novice questions that I wouldn't dare ask my supervisor. And that's what they're there for, to provide you with a safe space to ask those questions without fear of being labeled the simpleton. At least not so blatantly. Who knows how they judge behind our backs. From my perspective, they're the vision of what you can and will be at the end of the program, and without their advice, you could be at a significant disadvantage. Advantage, they have earned the nickname the Consultants, providing scientific advice to students without charging the substantive fees of a McKinsey or Deloitte representative picked from an undergraduate career fair. For other professors, they're slightly more intimidating solely based on their titles, and often whenever they walk into a room, all the students would immediately stop talking. It was the spookiest thing, and there's no doubt in my mind that the professors in my department realize this when walking into the lunchroom. I would still group them with the postdoc consultants because, over time, you will gain enough confidence to one day ask them about their own opinion on a scientific conundrum you're working on, or even more risky, their own research, and at that point be prepared to talk about their latest idea for a paper every time you meet them in line at the coffee shop. Finally, for fellow postgraduates, my goodness what a journey you will set on together. I remember starting just after the peak of the COVID-19 scare, but still only identifying people by their hairstyles and stare styles. I started during a time when my department wasn't recruiting many new students. In fact, only two other students started at the same time as me. There were two noticeable drawbacks to that. One, I felt the community of students that was already present was quite close already, and two, it meant that at some point in my PhD, I may be the most senior graduate student in the department. The latter, at least at the time, was mind-boggling to me, to anyone really, and can easily bring about imposter syndrome vibes. As more and more joined the department, I began forming the view that graduate students in your vicinity are your lifeline for keeping sane during the PhD program. Some of them will drive you insane, some of them will hog the equipment, some of them will make fun of your food after microwaving it for too long, this might have been specific to me, but they were certainly there when I needed them the most. When experiments didn't work, when lab meetings were just critical enough for you to question the constructive part, graduate students were there noticing your change in mood and sensed when you needed a hug, a cookie, a walk, or a shout-out to Kilo the most. And you know, it's always a two-way street. Each graduate student will have good days and bad days, and like really, really bad days. Getting to know other graduate students in your department is crucial for building a community you work with, rather than a workplace you commute to. That line took weeks to write, I don't care it's staying in. Kind of like that thin piece of tape. Yeah, they're like the scotch tape of all departments, that barely holds things together until you use enough pieces that it actually works. But before moving on to your direct supervisor, there's something to say about the thesis committee and the role they play in your PhD. Honestly, this will be different for all those in PhD programs, in that this particular committee could be objectively beneficial for setting you up for success, or on the flip side, not useful at all. It's important to communicate with your supervisor about who could be on the committee, as their skill set and experience could be paramount in certain aspects of your project. For example, on my committee, I had a professor who was doing the exact same type of work as me in their lab, but for a different molecule and for a different disease pathway. There was a lot of cross-collaboration between members of our labs and therefore seemed like a fantastic fit for the committee. There is, however, one thing that will remain the same. No matter who is on your committee, they do not want you to fail. Of course, from a decent human being standpoint, this should be true, but think about how it would look on them and your supervisor if that were indeed to happen. It won't be a scenario they would like to add it to their reputation. We've made it to the final workplace relationship you will pass throughout your PhD, and that's the one with your direct supervisor. It's hard to put into words how important this last one is, and indeed, it is in my humble opinion that it will inevitably define the overall experience of your program. And again, this relationship will also differ between individuals, between supervisors, and between how two personalities combine in the confines of one-on-one get-togethers and team meetings alike. Maybe your supervisor is more prone to leave their team members to their own devices, or maybe your supervisor is more hands-on in the way they manage their team members' assigned projects. For most, if not all, there will be some turbulence. At whatever capacity that turbulence manifests itself as, it's important to remember that a PhD is not just training you in your field of expertise, it's also training you in your ability to cooperate with other people. Gone are the days that an individual trainee can synthesize theories and test hypotheses on their own. Your supervisor in this case and managing your relationship with them is probably the biggest skill you can obtain. I talked about this exact notion in a testimonial now found within the Trinity College Dublin PhD Research Handbook. I stand by these words, so I would like to repeat them here. Since I have been honored with opportunities to develop several of these professional relationships throughout my academic career on the topic of mentor-mentee relationships, I have three key pieces of advice for those wishing to develop their own. The first is to understand respectful and honest communication. The cliche for these discussions is that communication between the student and the supervisor is crucial to an effective working relationship. But what does that really mean? In my view, this embodies two important values, respect and honesty. Students need to respect the experience and goals of the supervisor, while the supervisor needs to respect the motivations and aspirations of the student. This respect goes hand in hand with being completely honest with one another from the beginning. Supervisors need to provide realistic constructive feedback to students' work in a timely manner, and students need to demonstrate their needs regarding mentorship and professional development. With these values of respect and honesty, strong communication will naturally flow. The second is to establish supervisor expectations and student boundaries. At the very start of a working relationship, it's essential that both parties define relevant formalities. The idea of this might scare anxious students away and may also be outright abandoned by the supervisor due to its air of finality. However, it is through this initial meeting that two important aspects of the student supervisor relationship could be established supervisor expectations and student boundaries. Supervisors need to properly convey their expectations to the students from the beginning, whether that be designated working hours, achievement of publications, or other academic milestones, and work ethic. Students need to also express realistic boundaries for a professional setting, whether that be due to family matters, pay, and other essential workplace aspects. Without this formal, all-encompassing discussion, it would be impossible to know what is required and how it will be acquired. The third and final piece of advice is that learning goes both ways. Students may think that supervisors are exceptional beings and that knowledge extraction is unidirectional. I can assure you that this is not the case. Universities are rich with diversity, and these perspectives matter in all areas of study. Every student is different and has unique values that can support the supervisor and their team. Students come from various cultures, professional backgrounds, extracurricular hobbies, and just general life experiences that supervisors can learn from. Additionally, it is often the case that students define their worth based on the goals of their supervisor. If aspects of the project fail, it may seem to fall on the responsibility of the student. This is not always the case, and often it leads to a remarkable learning opportunity for both the student and the supervisor. Bottom line, students must embrace their unique characteristics, and both must acknowledge that students are learning how to become experts in their field, while supervisors are learning how to best accomplish this. A general theme among these words of wisdom, I mean if you can call it that coming from an early career researcher, is to remember your value, whether you are a graduate student, a postdoctoral fellow, or even a supervisor yourself. I don't mean that in a sort of self-aggrandizing way. What I really want you to take away from the segment is that you have values that can benefit your team, and you should or must be willing to offer such value during your programs, and even fight for those values when the time comes, by acknowledging that you are a step closer to embracing that you are there for a reason, selected among a pool of candidates, large or small, that were also competing for that exact position. With this monumental understanding, you are one step closer to getting over something that plagues every person at every level of academia, that darn imposter syndrome. I mean, which among us hasn't been there? Now cast those feelings into the vacuum of space. Those non-workplace relationships made in the real world. Remember the real world? Where people chat about the latest stories happening in different countries and in their local communities, or how their dad caught a big fish on the weekend, or how their pet dog did just the cutest thing at the park the other day, or how their marathon training is going, or what they thought about the premise of the drama starring Robert Pattinson and Zendaya. And was she born as Zendaya, or was that a later choice to be uniam? Like really important everyday topics that span life, philosophy, politics. And what the hell are these euphoria season three episodes? I thought it was supposed to be a societal perspective about the life of drug addiction and youth. Anyway, during a PhD program, it may shock some of you that there are things that can be done outside of the PhD work itself. Whether you choose to use that time for non-PHD purposes, that's a whole other story. But honestly, I shouldn't even say it like that. There are objectively things that you can do unrelated to your project that, by and large, develop skills that are important for your overall success post-PHD. Literally, by participating in something outside of your program, you are practicing your skills in time management, communication, creativity, teamwork, organization, initiative, adaptability, stress management, work ethic, the list goes on. These are actively sought for in jobs across all sectors, public and private, from academic to industry to the nonprofit space. In fact, there lies the second best part of my experience doing a PhD, which is the friends we made along the way. So absolutely cliche and memeified at this point, but so foundational that I'm surprised that no one has really talked about this in PhD guidance. A lot of friends and acquaintances I still have post-PHD came from actively participating in initiatives that weren't directly related to my project. Now, I might not be the best at deciding when I've reached a limit in the number of things my body and mind are capable of doing. My process of selection of which endeavors to undertake was a combination of will this help me in my professional development and do I get money for doing it, mixed in with how I can ensure not to think about the PhD every minute of the day. During my PhD, I participated in as many things as I could in order to provide myself some mental holiday from the technical onslaught of biological methodologies and mechanistic insights around inflammatory bowel disease. These include co-directing Pint of Science Ireland, tutoring underrepresented youth as part of Scholars Ireland with Access Ed, helping the local academic community as a CV cover letter reviewer for Trinity Career Services, and heading the university's microbiological society as chairperson. I contributed writings for the University Times, was a teaching assistant and guest lecturer for multiple scientific faculties, mentored trainees in microbiome research for the undergraduate research in natural and clinical science and technology journal based out of Toronto, and conducted peer review for the University of Ottawa's Journal of Medicine. Not to mention producing my own podcast, Meta forgens, on figurative language and science communication, and trying to succeed as a short story writer as part of my personal initiative called the Scaline Writing Project. I had and continue to have so many interests that far exceed my ability at the bench, and it was through these endeavors that I met some fantastic people making similar efforts. Overlooking the obvious argument that one who participates in multiple projects will ultimately spread themselves too thin, an expression I must find the origin to someday, maybe through the junior investigative journalism of an independent podcast, I wholeheartedly believe that if I had to start all over again, that I would certainly participate in those projects. From opportunity after opportunity, I had the chance to work with researchers to share their love of science in pubs across the whole country, laugh with high school students throwing Nintendo toys in the air as part of my class activity about gene mutations, meet undergraduates to support their career development, organize industry-sponsored trainee-run conferences around hot topics in microbiology, interview researchers doing amazing science communication work and their sustainability goals in local research communities, and even participate in panels and lead seminars on topics that people appreciate my efforts in advocating for, those being science communication and non-conventional ways of engaged learning. These professional skills, these measurable goals, this appreciated recognition would not be remotely possible without developing relationships with great people outside of the PhD project itself. But there may be some of you who would rather do extracurriculars that aren't meant to be under the umbrella of career development. Perhaps there are those who find solace in playing a sport or musical instrument, act within a theatrical group or read a novel with a book club, attend Pate Night at the local bar, or see a midnight opening of a long-awaited sci-fi adaptation at the cinema. My advice? Go. Fly on you social metaphoragens butterfly. And if there's a group that organized something around it, and even better, organizes many similar events around that interest of yours, please go. For the sake of your own body and mind, no matter if you're an exuberant extrovert or an intimidated introvert, at least try it. Who knows, those relationships could blossom into something powerful, or at the very least bring you a momentary joy that might have been forgotten during the undertaking of a specialized training program. Now, I will end this particular segment about non-professional relationships on what it is like to date while doing a PhD. This, of course, more than any other type of relationship, will be completely different for each individual. It will depend on your dedication to your project, your ability to time manage, and even your interest in romanticism during such an important time in your life. I know it is not for everyone, and perhaps shall remain a low priority during your time during a PhD. Kudos to those, by the way, who went into these training programs with a partner and came out with the same partner. This shows how much your partner really is a keeper, and by all accounts, someone who has likely seen you at your worst, at least for now. I can only go with my own experience on this matter. Everyone who knows me will vouch that I find my studies and career development to be incredibly important to me. You can see based on my extracurriculars that I rarely participate in something that did not have, in some shape or form, advanced some skills development in the forward direction. Of course, more about the relationship with yourself will be discussed in the final segment of this episode, but it's crucial to take note that despite that notion of personal growth as a top priority, I went through multiple bouts of loneliness during my PhD. To solve that, with what perhaps was the biggest flaw in this personal growth mission of mine was to date. Now, I used every app that I could find. Went out to socialize at bars and clubs, even though that was not at all my scene, and went on as many dates as I could to relieve this sense of loneliness. I remember one time I went out on a walk and my date spilled ice cream all over us. You think that would be a fun, lighthearted moment, but I was just annoyed. On a separate occasion, I remember being so anxious about holding hands with my date that I could not remove my hands out of my pockets. There was another time where I was having dinner in almost complete silence because my date and I had nothing really important to say. I say almost because there were plenty of other dates around us engrossed in conversation. It was not normal endeavor that normal people looking for normal relationships set out to do. Although maybe it is, because if there's anything I took away from Sally Rooney's take on the meta title normal people, was that normal people make the wrong decision almost all the time. But I must say, reflecting on my dating experience led me to view each outing as a conversation with an interesting individual. And I think that's where I wish I realized that perspective sooner. Hmm, how am I going to make this juxtaposition? Dating should not have been a quest to hinder my feelings of loneliness, but rather it should have been an endeavor similar to playing a sport or joining a book club. That through such an endeavor you'll get the opportunity to meet someone you would have not otherwise met, not through your education, not through your side jobs, just simply because of a hello at a social venue or dating app. Despite what people say, a hello is very much welcome nowadays. Until I made that realization, dating was incredibly difficult for me during the PhD, and made me resent sacrificing my limited time away from the project, my social life, and my own personal time. Until I made that realization, I and the person I was with on a date suffered in trying to make relationships work that had more to do with relieving loneliness than defining capability. Until I made that realization, I finally started dating with one sole expectation that I want to get to know this person and do things I find enjoyable. Once I made that realization, there came the relationship I am currently in now, and I couldn't be happier. Non-professional relationships are sometimes what define PhD people the most. They are there when things aren't going your way with the project, and they are there to celebrate the milestones you achieve along the way. They affect us at a deeper level, shaping our emotions, heading to the laboratory or office, and hang in our minds when we are trying to concentrate on that paper's abstract we already read three times. They even work meticulously in the background, preparing to engage you when you have the time, organizing the next initiative as part of an outlined schedule, each a network of individuals that have their own goals and obstacles and emotions. Managing those relationships can even make us question their worthiness, whether it should be part of our ever-filling schedules to remain a part of and work on. Take it from me, as someone who really values their personal time, these relationships should not and cannot be overlooked. They are, as I like to put it, the unexpected lessons I learned along the way and have chipped away at shaping me into the person I wish to be, someone who is not remembered for being good at doing a PhD. Before we get to the next segment, has the podcast bubble not popped for you yet? Still looking for auditory content to complement your Spotify playlist? And what about starting a podcast about a topic you love? The decision to begin a creative project like a podcast isn't easy. When I started this podcast back in 2020, I literally had nothing else to do. I had just finished my master's degree, got more into writing poetry and short stories, and would often be surprised at the origins of English expressions we use every day, expressions like don't judge a book by its cover, and falling in love. We use figurative language to communicate complex things to our family, friends, and colleagues. It wasn't until I realized that science is also a communications domain, using these same language tricks that Metaforgens became the weird but passionate project it is now. The benefits of starting a podcast were twofold. Personally, this podcast has given me the motivation to dive into topics I actually find interesting, both from a researcher point of view, but also abstractly, like some alien trying to understand the human experience. Professionally, by incorporating the interview segment in season three, I had the opportunity to meet incredible people in the scientific community hoping to discuss the nuances of what it's like to be within such community, the ups, the downs, the ways of improving the environment as a whole. That was something I never thought about at the beginning, and yet it grew so organically that I often forget that some of these people I've actually never met before in person. Should you start a podcast? The answer to that question may not be so simple, but you know what is? Buzzsprout. Buzzsprout is a seamless service that supports anyone wishing to launch and produce a professional podcast, hosting over 120,000 podcasts on their platform. You manage your show via your own stylish podcast website and are listed on all the major podcast directories. Just minutes after uploading your recording. Not only that, BuzzSprout provides detailed analytics to monitor the growth of your show, as well as videos and discussion forums about all podcast topics like, for example, how to market your show. There is also an incredibly supportive collection of podcasters in the BuzzSprout community, offering great advice on any questions you may have. If you want to test out the whole podcast gig, you can get a jumpstart on your own podcast and get a $20 Amazon gift card by clicking the affiliate link in the episode's description. This lets BuzzSprout know that I sent you to their service and will help support Metaforgens and money towards creating that pretty butterfly merch I keep teasing about. Buzzsprout, the easiest way to start a podcast. And now, back to the episode. We move on to the final and most important category of relationships you will make during a PhD, the relationship you have with yourself. Now I say that as someone who was, at their core, a completely driven individual. Motivation is something that comes so naturally to me, so long as I have rationalized why I need to do something in the first place. This mentality is why I was able to pay thousands of dollars of undergraduate debt in less than a year working two jobs, the same reason why I was able to complete a 150-page thesis committee report by not sleeping for 48 hours straight, and the same reason why I was able to train and complete the Dublin Marathon. Yes, I'm aware, people do this all the time, even make a brand out of it doing all this crap and become motivational speakers. I have no interest in that, nor advocate for the type of winning mentality presented by people who have success and wealth and recognition. This is because at the end of the day, it's the same mentality that pushed me to do not so good things in the past, like hang out with people who drank endlessly and did all kinds of drugs in my youth, but still performing at the top of my class, or be furiously jealous of my peers after losing a scholarship in undergrad, or feel like it was the end of the world if my ex-girlfriend left me. The mentality of feeling like you deserve something because of who you are and how much effort you put in to get yourself to where you are today, call that pride, call that vanity, call that narcissism, whatever you want to call it, but it's the same kind of attitude that drove me to do a PhD in the first place. As I discussed earlier in this episode, don't get me wrong, I love science. I love the aspect of using systematic steps to answer a well-defined question that brings our collective knowledge closer to understanding reality and the universe. I don't believe these answers can be found in any other way. However, I am a natural skeptic, and for the many years I've been in academia for, I've come to realize that people are not in it for the sake of fundamental science, of trying to understand something for the sake of understanding in itself. It is not possible anymore to have a career in science with such a carefree notion of what it means to be a scientist today. Everything must be explained in the context of how science can benefit humanity now. Of course, how else can it be framed? To think it to be framed otherwise in modern day is to admit ignorance in how scientific research is undertaken and funded to begin with. Panels upon panels of experts debate on which scientific proposals are worthy of funding, private or public, dictated by the number of publications around your research and the impact of your research on society as a whole. What that means is that you can have an out-of-this world but plausible theory of how something in this universe works and not have the money to pursue it. From a business perspective, that makes completely logical sense, but doesn't make sense from a scientific standpoint. It's what made Peter Higgs, winner of the 2013 Nobel Prize in Physics, say in a Guardian interview, quote, today I wouldn't get an academic job, it's as simple as that. I don't think I'd be regarded as productive enough. And so, when I decided to do a PhD, I was well aware of this. I was aware of the amount of serious independent hands-on laboratory work that needed to be accomplished to fuel the academic publishing industry. I was aware of the constant literature review that needed to be performed to stay on top of the latest updates in the field. I was aware of the vast workshops I needed to attend to learn new technologies or practice other academic skills in lecturing and basic coding. And to some degree, I was aware of the external relationships I needed to manage within my immediate research department, and in my extracurriculars to have a sense of seamless day-to-day progression in my projects. What I was not aware of was the strain that the PhD would have on self-management, on managing the expectations and desires I have with myself. When starting the PhD, thinking about myself was very much at the bottom of my priorities, or removed from the list entirely. I was so excited to be starting a new career path, a fresh life in a new country, that all my satisfaction came from external stimulus. Work was of course one of them, meeting my research team and other students, touring the university grounds, and getting started on some data acquisition for the project. Additional sources of stimulus included finding extracurricular groups that help me learn new skills and manage creative projects. But it also came from looking for a place to live, trying new restaurants in town, testing which pint was the best in Dublin's many pubs. You get so caught up in it, probably for the majority of those doing a PhD program, that for years you forget to check in with yourself. How's your sleeping routine? How's your eating habits? How's the daily exercise? How's your beloved Cat Mila that you dragged all the way from Canada to Ireland because you wanted some familiar company? With all that forward progression, I found that sometimes I should actually take a step back. I lost the inner monologue and awareness that is usually present, and I did not prioritize any time for some self-reflection. Particularly towards the later half of the PhD, exercise was completely absent. I remember I started the PhD close to 60 kilograms, might be pretty thin, and after the PhD ended I had gained about 15 kilograms. For the last two years, sleep was something I tried to catch up on during the weekends, but even then I went into the lab to do a little bit of work. In the last six months of the PhD, I either went out to eat unhealthy fast food, or had instant noodles and a bag of chips, or was lucky enough to have something my girlfriend cooked. It was such a grind, and it's important to note that I had quit almost all of my extracurriculars by that time. The thing is, even with hindsight being 2020, I don't know if I would have done anything differently. I can complain all I want now about how difficult accomplishing the PhD was, and it certainly was difficult, probably the most difficult thing I was able to accomplish thus far in my life. But that journey through the program really allowed me to see where my limits were, see what I was truly interested in both inside science and outside science. In fact, I took at face value what a postdoc advised me one day during my master's, which was that if you want to pick strawberries, go out and pick strawberries. It's a mantra that I had said on this podcast a few times now, and boy did I ever go out and obsess about picking strawberries like I was some new fruit-loving character addition to Sesame Street. However, there were moments where I knew that I needed to break from the daily grind of the PhD. Moments that felt like waking up from the Matrix. Throughout my program, I made sure to see as much as I could of Ireland and also visited as many countries as I could as well, taking in as many bank holiday weekends to plan a short and all-encompassing trip to many wonderful European countries only a short distance away. I have been to almost every major town in Ireland and drove the entire coast of this lovely island, including the Aran Islands and Northern Ireland as well. I went to England and Scotland, toured Spain and Ibiza, went skydiving in Czech Republic, celebrated in Christmas markets in France, viewed textbook mythology in Greece, learned about religious influence in Italy and the Vatican, rode a hot air balloon in Turkey, presented at a conference in Denmark, breathed in nature in Iceland, saw Dracula's castle in Romania, drank golden cappuccinos in Hungary, lost the electricity grid in Portugal, and even walked through humanity's cruelest war crimes in Poland. These experiences were my times of self-reflection, of understanding the importance of my PhD to me, but the true insignificance of it to how the world functions. That grounding of myself back to Earth is what I think was the most valuable takeaway I learned about self-management. So with that, I think that's all I can really say about how I reflected on the relationship I grew with myself. I'm still working on building that relationship more and more each day, certainly easier to do post PhD. Perhaps that's the key, which is that it will be an endeavor you undertake for the rest of your life, and doing any sort of monumental tasks like completing a PhD or any major project will test that relationship to the highest level possible. That relationship will likely never be perfect, and there will always be work to be done. If you're as hard as yourself as I am on myself, then this reflection may not sound so positive, but I can assure you, now being on the other side, that the relationship you have with yourself is the most important one you will have in your PhD. Cherish it for the good and the bad, and remember that after picking all those strawberries, to make some lemonade or some sort of profound expression along those lines. Metaphor has just recently reached 5,000 total downloads, which I know is not a lot, but imagine reaching that number despite two years of not producing any new content. I think science communication and the science content space is changing, and I hope to talk about those changes in the upcoming episodes. Lots of new things to come from my side, new projects, new opportunities, so keep an eye or ear out for those updates as well. But that's it for this incredibly long reflective episode. Thank you so much for listening and even making it this far. Do remember to follow the podcast Instagram page for all updates in cool visual format. And as always, anyone following will still be placed into the draw to win some Metaforge and swag, whatever that ends up being, on my 50th episode and season 5 finale. Rate, subscribe, share, message, megaphone this episode to your family and friends. Tune in for the next episode, which is still coming this time, I promised. But until then, follow the new LinkedIn page, I forgot to say.